this is what my love looks like
We planned to finalize our divorce in January. A huge step in accepting and moving through that for me was writing a blog post about it. I thought it would be cool to talk about my divorce openly because I know a lot of people who have been divorced and I just thought it would be a cool thing to share. It felt brave. I also thought it would be a cool way to honor my relationship and my growth. Writing is a tool I use to accept and come to terms with reality. Sharing my writing opens me up to new healing and makes big things feel less scary.
Ten days after publishing that blog post, I was in Jonny’s arms again. Neither of us were expecting it. The universe always conspires for my highest good. Whatever decision I make, the universe parts the way and presents the lessons I need. Hugging him felt different. I thought, “wow, I understand how serious this commitment is. I understand how important it is that I am in your arms.” We decided to do a take two on our marriage. I have delayed writing this blog post because I have come to a new understanding of how special and sacred our relationship is. I find that I do not want to publicly share how deep and true our love is. I do not want to illustrate how messy it is. I don’t need to. Maybe you can imagine… we filed for divorce, waited the required amount of time, and then stayed together. It is not super cute all the time. We are growing ourselves and taking action on our commitment by doing this work, by facing our individual and joint needs head on. It is uncomfortable. It is fun.
Making my divorce a big thing on social media made me sort of feel like I was displaying my life as though it were a soap opera. I just don’t want to do that anymore.
I am writing this follow-up blog post because I didn’t want to just delete the previous one, and I definitely want to give a status-update. We are grateful. We are committed. We have a new understanding of what it means to choose each other. There are a bunch of other feelings and conversations and lessons. And, even when we are processing big pain, we understand how beautiful it is to do so together. We have come to a new clarity of what it means to stay.
Here is how we think of it: Our souls have been searching for each other for thousands of years. We needed to understand the importance of the fact that we found each other. We needed to learn how to take our relationship very seriously, how to respect it, how to grow it.
No longer do I feel a need to write a page-long facebook status about how important Jonny is to me. I did that before because shouting facebook and instagram were the best ways I knew to shout my love from the mountain tops. I love sharing about my new experiences. Love has been the coolest new experience ever, and it is impossible to convey accurately.
When it comes to our relationship and displaying it on social media, I know now that I just don’t need to be so wordy. I will post pictures of Jonny because he is super hot and it makes me happy to have those memories on my feed. This is the most true and open and connected our love has ever been. In feeling that, I no longer feel a need to describe it to the whole world. It’s too special for words. If I post a bunch of words about it, I am presenting a true part of our relationship that just doesn’t honor our love in a well-rounded way. Even with every detail written out, there’s still more.
Jonny guides what I learn, he inspires what I teach, he sees my soul. I get to know deep in my bones that I am loved truly by another human. And I get to love him back. This partnership has been the strangest (in the very best and most confusing way) part of my existence.
When I decided not to kill myself in 2012, I signed up for all of the weirdness that life would bring me. I chose life because I knew there would be a lot of interesting stuff to feel. I chose life so that I could make weird decisions and go on long, unplanned road trips. I chose life so that I could get curious about every moment and watch everything get better, always. I spent a long time wanting to die. I spent a long time trying to be whatever I needed to be so that I could receive praise as evidence that I am worthy. Now, I just can’t help but be myself. I am here to be myself to the best of my ability. I am not here to deny myself the things that feel true to me. Jonny is one of the truest pillars of my existence. The universe will part the way.
I am grateful for all of it. I am exactly where I am supposed to be — looking at myself with honesty and letting go of ego, trying to listen more. We are exactly where we are supposed to be — holding hands, speaking truth, learning to create consistency by addressing disfunction. We are honoring each other as two very different people who have decided to do life together.
Here is a photo that was taken on May 19, 2014. This was the first time Jonny and I held hands.