It has been five years since you left us. That feels like a really long time. I never pictured what life would look like five years later. When I think about how much my life has changed, I get so sad for you. Your life would look so different now. There is so much we could have helped you with.
I am not at peace with what you did.
When I think of you, I forget that you stopped getting older.
I still have all of the same questions, and I've mostly given up hope on getting answers. I can't know what you were thinking, I can't send a message back in time to tell you how much you are loved. I can't show you that you didn't only kill yourself, Trev. You killed us, too.
It's a difficult thing to let go completely.
My heart still hurts. I still cry when I sit down to write about you. I cry for the hurt you must have felt. That will never get easier to think about.
I can miss you and still go about my day. Five years feels like a big one. I still have a really fun day planned. It's tough to allow both of those things to exist and feel good about it. The image of grieving I had in my head did not look like having a good day on a day like today.
Your suicide impacts me in new ways all the time. It impacts me in ways I wish it didn't. You gave me a lot of fear. I get high anxiety about my friends. I have learned a lot. I have learned things I could have learned anyway, without you having to die. I never wanted any gifts from this.
I can still imagine hugging you and I do it all the time. I never felt like I needed to explain anything to you. I told you I was sad and you knew exactly what I meant and I didn't feel alone and that is so much of why I am here now. I wish you were here now.
I carry your smile everywhere I go. I think of you when I drive through the mountains, I think of you when I want to pick out a classy outfit, I think of you when I'm having late-night talks about the meaning of life. I wish you could hear what I think about the meaning of life now. It's so much cooler than we used to imagine.
You are always with all of us, and we will always love you.