trevs forevs

Trev, 

It has been five years since you left us. That feels like a really long time. I never pictured what life would look like five years later. When I think about how much my life has changed, I get so sad for you. Your life would look so different now. There is so much we could have helped you with. 

I am not at peace with what you did. 

When I think of you, I forget that you stopped getting older. 

I still have all of the same questions, and I've mostly given up hope on getting answers. I can't know what you were thinking, I can't send a message back in time to tell you how much you are loved. I can't show you that you didn't only kill yourself, Trev. You killed us, too. 

It's a difficult thing to let go completely.

My heart still hurts. I still cry when I sit down to write about you. I cry for the hurt you must have felt. That will never get easier to think about. 

I can miss you and still go about my day. Five years feels like a big one. I still have a really fun day planned. It's tough to allow both of those things to exist and feel good about it. The image of grieving I had in my head did not look like having a good day on a day like today. 

Your suicide impacts me in new ways all the time. It impacts me in ways I wish it didn't. You gave me a lot of fear. I get high anxiety about my friends. I have learned a lot. I have learned things I could have learned anyway, without you having to die. I never wanted any gifts from this. 

I can still imagine hugging you and I do it all the time. I never felt like I needed to explain anything to you. I told you I was sad and you knew exactly what I meant and I didn't feel alone and that is so much of why I am here now. I wish you were here now. 

I carry your smile everywhere I go. I think of you when I drive through the mountains, I think of you when I want to pick out a classy outfit, I think of you when I'm having late-night talks about the meaning of life. I wish you could hear what I think about the meaning of life now. It's so much cooler than we used to imagine. 

You are always with all of us, and we will always love you. 

Simone Hunt