can't go under it, can't go over it.

There is no way around pain. Though this may seem obvious, it's something I really came to understand within the last 48 hours. I can't get around it, I have to go through it. 

I was sitting outside with Jonny, watching the dogs play before we went to bed. I started feeling really sick as I was thinking about the death of a wonderful man and the plight of addiction. I will say his name for the rest of my life. O.G., my dear, I will love you forever. I felt physically uncomfortable, I couldn't sit still, my mind was racing. I figured he'd be around forever. 

I tried to pause, I tried to get still. I did a quick body scan, and I felt so many places where I felt really tense. My chest was tight, for some reason my ears felt really weird, my calves were tense. I was shivering. I tried to pause again. I was feeling all of this pent up energy in my body. 

So, I decided to stretch it out. I opened my arms, I shook my legs, I sighed really loud a bunch of times. I cried, I cursed a lot, I said "ughhhhhhhh" really loud. I needed to let the emotional pain I was feeling move through me. There is no way around pain. Screaming in cars is cathartic. 

I was feeling so angry about this fucking opioid epidemic, dude. It sucks. I have to let myself cry. I cry for the devastated families and the significant others and the best friends. I replay every hug and every philosophical conversation. I think, "I could have reached out more, I could have been a better friend, it's been eight years since I saw him every day, why didn't we stay close? I could have, I could have, I could have." Though that wormhole of regret is not productive, it's so easy to get stuck there. I wasn't around for him. I thought we were all done dying. 

Really tight hugs feel really good. It's okay to have the same conversation over and over and over again. This blog post is really hard to write. Writing helps. It's so important to move the energy/feelings through your body and heart. 

It will be painful. It will be so painful. There isn't a way around it. Avoiding pain does not mean it's gone. In my experience, feeling it is the only way to heal. 

Here are some things you can do 

  • let your community take care of you 
  • cry 
  • scream 
  • do yoga 
  • go on a run 
  • play with your dogs 
  • ask for a hug
  • write 
  • take care of yourself 
  • say his name 
  • write letters 
  • go on a long drive 
  • listen to music 
  • dance 
  • shake 

miss you 

I will miss O.G. every day. As I feel the pain of this loss, the pain of all of the other losses rises to the surface. I have to look at this as a new opportunity to learn. This loss changes my life. It changes my worldview. I'll give tighter hugs now. I'll listen to his favorite music. 


Simone DeAngelis