an intentional year

On January 1st, I woke up pretty confused because for the first time in my adult life, I was actually asleep by 10 pm on New Years Eve. I was disappointed by this because I felt like I had missed the opportunity to be a part of the official transition into the new year. So, we spent January 1st pretending it was New Years Eve again so that I could start the new year properly. My little family, consisting of my two dogs and one husband, sat down together to discuss what we hope to leave in 2017, and what we hope to bring with us into the new year. We put together a list of core values that we will post in our house and aim to be mindful of as we travel through another year. Based on what we learned in 2017, we came up with five guiding values.

These values were put together as we were thinking about steps we hope to take towards creating the life that is most authentic and sustainable for Jonny and I as a couple and as individuals. In 2017 I learned that my connections with others were so important to me that I frequently held on, hoping for approval for longer than I ever needed to.

A lot of people cared about me throughout the year. When I was sick, when I was facing my own personal struggles, and when I walked through the "oh my god I'm married" realization, there were friends by my side throughout the entire journey. I was so worried about the relationships I thought I was losing that I stopped looking at the strong relationships I already have. As I walk into 2018, I have a clarity that will hopefully last at least through the end of January. With that clarity, I see a similar set of priorities with a different way of looking at them. I intend to foster the relationships that are mutually supportive and loving. I intend to prioritize feelings of community during a transition from comfortable routines to new adventures. And just like Brene Brown (via Theodore Roosevelt) taught me, I don't need to worry about the opinions of those who are not fighting the arena.

I hope to try out new ways to explore my authentic self so that I can show up in every arena looking to my values for guidance and insight. I set random dates on my phone calendar to alert me of my core values throughout the year. I Thought that was a cool idea.

In my journal most mornings, I spend three pages of incomprehensible rambles attempting to answer one question -- what do you want to create today? We asked ourselves this question when we were thinking about 2018 as a whole. What do we hope to create? What is our one goal? Our 2018 big, challenging, vague goal is to be both intentional and curious.

On January 1st, I woke up and realized an entire year had just flown by. I noticed that even though I made progress in mindfulness and careful consideration in 2017, there were some major lapses and major returns to auto-pilot and people-pleasing. As I take more steps into my own, I hope to act according to my values in moments where my gut reaction is to make a quick decision and keep moving. I hope I'll slow down and observe each step and then take action to change direction when I notice myself wandering.

My spiritual curiosity is at an all time high. I am learning to take pieces of what I learn, from Brene Brown to Sam Harris, and experiment with what it feels like to see the world's issues and my own from a different angle. How can this inform the way I see my existence? How can I chase my curiosity without moving though it too quickly? 

I know I will forget, I know I will fall back into the patterns that are comfortable to me. That is the nature of my adjustment to new endeavors. Every change that occurs in my life occurs for the first time. It's a new experience every time. I can give myself a break (hopefully, eventually) when I do not walk through new experiences with untethered courage. I do things for the very first time every day, whether I notice or not.

I hope to remember this as I continue to strengthen and then forget and then strengthen and then forget my commitment to self-compassion and introspection. Whether taking a personal inventory at the end of the day or realizing it's December 31st 2018 and I forgot to practice any values, I will aim to be kind to myself.

Persistence in 2018 is essential. I know that I must partake in the positive changes I wish to see in my community and in my country. That starts with being kind myself. And then it grows when I reach new depths of kindness for others catalyzed by my own self-love.

On January 1st, I woke up and decided to celebrate New Year's at midnight since I had missed it the night before. Once again, I was asleep by 10 pm despite my strenuous efforts to stay awake. If 2018 supplies plenty of early nights and intention-setting meetings, I'll be more than pleased.