staying slow

I feel so grateful. I have been practicing daily gratitude for almost five years, and I've never felt this grateful. I also feel really happy right now. It's interesting to feel happiness and pain at the same time. I've been struggling lately, and I have so many people reaching out to me, visiting me when I am stuck at home, and supporting me no matter where I am on any given day.

And at first, I was completely embarrassed. Right now I am having trouble living up to the expectations I have for myself, and others are carrying me through this wave of uncertainty. I was embarrassed because I truly cannot bring my A-game to my daily life.

I'm letting go of embarrassment now, and turning it into gratitude. (or at least, attempting to do so)

I have been living in self-reliance for so long. I think I was in denial of it at first. So stuck in denial that I didn't even realize it until my therapist suggested it. I have this attitude of, "leave me alone, don't carry me, I can take care of myself."

But the truth is, right now, I need others. And that just feels odd to me. That others are offering to take some of the weight off my shoulders, and I am giving it to them.

When I teach self-compassion, I do the common, "what would you someone who loves you say to you in your time of shame and struggle." Currently I've been asking myself, "what would your higher power want for you?" And the reality is, my higher power is within me. When I sit and get quiet, I know what I need, despite the fact that what I want is the opposite. And I've just been trusting in the spirit of the universe and staying true to what I know I need. Letting others know what I need is difficult, but I am trusting my truth and letting them take pieces of my burden.

Sometimes I feel like a badass warrior princess because I am showing up and doing what I can do, and not doing what I am not able to do right now. Sometimes I think that's really badass. Other times, it makes me feel like I am weak to let others help me. On an intellectual level that that's not true. However, I can't help but feel it when I really want to do something and I have to let that something rest in someone else's hands.

I'm working on all of this. I am just so full of gratitude that I have people who love me enough to watch me struggle and to do what they can to make that struggle hurt less because they love me.