letting go of unproductive character traits

I haven't posted in a while, and I'm sorry about that. Every time I sit down to write, this all-encompasing feeling of "you should be doing something else with this time" comes over me. It's anxiety-inducing. Today I have the day off (one of two days off in row, might I add). While I have a shit ton to get done, I definitely want to take some time for myself today. And part of time for myself includes writing for this blog.

I have no idea what the point of this post is going to be.

I'm thinking a lot about my character defects in a self-loving way, which is refreshing. I have a lot of character defects. I don't love the term "character defects," I prefer to think of them as unproductive character traits. They're not bad, and they don't make me a bad person. They just don't currently serve me or contribute to the larger purpose of my life.

The interesting thing about these unproductive character traits is that I learned and engrained them in myself, for the most part, to keep myself safe. I just don't need them anymore. And sometimes, the thought of letting them go feels a lot like letting go of safety. And it's hard to get to a place of willingness with it all. I have trouble unbuilding this lovely wall that I've worked so hard to put up around my heart. It's just scary.

I've been working on essentially the same character defects for these few years, and sometimes I get frustrated that they continue to linger in specific situations. However, I am so proud of the fact they are smaller and have less control over me than they did when I began this work.

I think maybe what I'm getting at is the fact that sometimes I ask for these defects to be removed, but I secretly hope they don't get removed. Because, what if I need them later? What if I get hurt by letting them go completely?

On the other hand, I am potentially more likely to hurt myself and others if I don't let them go completely and become completely willing to have them removed.

I wrote a list of the big things I am thinking of today, and this is one of 14. Who knows, maybe I'll get some good blog posts out of them.