Today someone looked at me and said, "What you said just changed my life." And that shit changed my life. That is the reason why I am here. Still kickin', after all these years. I am so grateful. Lately I've been dealing with some anger. Left over anger. Anger that I didn't have the chance to feel a million years ago so I'm feeling it now. And I get pissed off and I cry and I think, "why the fuck did all that fucked up shit have to happen to me?"
And then I share some of my story with someone. And it changes their life. And that shit is magic.
I used to wonder what my purpose was. I spent eleven (or more) years, trying to figure out why the fuck I was alive. And then I got tired of trying to figure it out. I realized that there wasn't a reason I was alive. It just sort of happened as a result of a bunch of other random things happening and the next thing you know, here I am, contemplating all that shit. And that really bummed me out.
And today someone looked at me and told me that I changed their life. And that makes everything else make sense. It makes me feel like even though everything is random and nothing really matters, this moment matters to me. And ultimately, that's the only thing that matters. I feel gratitude. I feel a lot of things, but I always feel gratitude. And that matters. It doesn't change the rotation of the earth, it doesn't end poverty, it doesn't fix the fact that Donald Trump is the fucking president, but it means something to me. It makes me feel like my heart beat is stronger. It makes me feel connected to all of the randomness.
When I share my story and impact a person in a positive way, it gives a certain light to the darkness I went through. It makes the anger okay. It also gives the anger purpose. Like I need to go through this so that I can be a healthier person so that I can help other people be healthier people. That is my purpose.
I'm just so grateful I didn't die. And I really needed to write about it because I've been so depressed lately and it has really been getting be down. And then something amazing like today happens and I remember that I need to go through this shit so that I can get through it and help other people through it, too.
It's just amazing. The way things work. Or don't work. The way things just happen to go. It's amazing.