So, I've made the decision that my new project is titled "Slowing Down." Basically, in a span of the last six weeks, I let go of meditation, daily journals, gratitude lists, happy things, yoga, time with friends (wasn't great at that to begin with), and a multitude of other things that help keep me grounded in the moment. Today was day one of "back to happy," as we are calling it around the house. I've thought about what my life looks like when I make self care a priority, and now I am trying to bring that image to life. I find myself asking the question, "where do I start?"
I didn't begin all of my daily routines on the same exact day. And today I learned that they aren't all going to magically reappear in my life just because I want them to. It's going to take some action.
For example, I tend to have social anxiety, and I dislike strangers. I also have body image issues. So, yoga was tough for me to get into. And once I went a few times, my fears and worries and judgments went away. Unfortunately, those fears and worries and judgments are back. I told myself I was going to go to yoga today, but fear kept me away from it.
I've come to the conclusion that it is going to take me more than one day to get "back to happy." To get back to that place of centeredness I've been craving so much. I've also decided that I should pick one thing at a time to introduce back into the routine. Putting all of my daily things on a to-do list for one day was just too overwhelming. I cleaned my house for one hour, and that's as much as I got done today.
The easy one to start with is gratitude. I haven't been totally out of touch with gratitude, because it's such a habit to be grateful every time I feel doubtful (which I feel most of the time). So then where do I go from there? I'm thinking I'll move on to yoga, and I'm hoping that I'll have more free time in which to practice meditation.
I'd like to introduce meditation back into my free time, because currently my free time consists of watching Netflix and reading. Not terrible. Reading is very valuable and important. However, I could replace some of that Netflix and Nap time with meditation. How do I spend free time in a way that is energizing, and aligns with my values? This is something I have been thinking about a lot and will post about later.
For now I just wanted to voice the fact that my life doesn't feel back together after one day of trying to get back to my happy place. And I wanted to say that it isn't going to all come back in one day. I also wanted to put it out there that all of this is perfectly okay, and just because I lost touch with my sense of self doesn't mean I will never get it back, and it doesn't mean I have failed.