This seems like a good time to write a blog post about professionalism. In one hour, I will hand in my very last college paper. It is 37 pages long and I worked sort of hard on it. I am one day into teacher in-service at the high school where I will embark on my first year as a teacher. I love the school where I'll be teaching. I feel such a sense of community there. Sometimes when I slow down to look at my life and all of the wonderful things going on, I am totally speechless. Too full of gratitude to talk. Other times, I feel the weight of the world and all of the anxiety that comes with it.
I feel so young. I feel immature. I feel, once again, like someone is going to call me out and say, "Hey! How'd you get here? You're not supposed to be here!"
I'm glad I feel comfortable at my job. I feel known, understood, accepted. The obstacle is that sometimes when I get comfortable, I get too comfortable.
This is my job. I have worked really hard everyday for the last four years so that I could get to this point. I have set aside death and fear and depression to focus on this work. I am so scared that I will mess things up by sharing too much about myself. By getting too comfortable.
So again I face the question- how do I stay true to myself without sharing every detail of my story with every person who asks about my background? I have to be truthful, I refuse to lie. But I also don't necessarily have to tell the whole truth. They asked me what got me here, they didn't ask to know every piece of my story.
I am conflicted because so much of my identity comes from the fact that I am a survivor. The other day someone told me that I am a warrior princess. I really like that, and I want to honor that part of me. And I want that part of me to be known at school. That part of me wants to be known. If I am not careful, I will say too much at the wrong time. I'm still learning how to walk, how to compose myself.
I feel good about the community where this growth will take place. I think it is a community that will look past my awkward growing pains and instead acknowledge my ability to work hard and support my team.
I will keep you posted.