drowning in anxiety and existential angst
Since my last blog post, I have only grown more anxious. I am totally conscious of the fact that I am terrified. The way I am seeing reality right now is all jumbled up. I am convinced that things are not going my way because this is the beginning of a terrible time. It's not. It doesn't have to be the beginning of a terrible time. Small things that normally wouldn't get to me are getting to me. I have 67 unheard voicemails because I am too scared to hear what they say.
I keep weaving back and forth between fun and terror. I start to have fun, I lose myself in writing or reading and I start to enjoy myself and then I remember that I shouldn't be having fun, I should be waiting. I should be waiting for whatever terrible thing is going to happen.
My new alarm clock is a jolt of anxiety early in the morning. Fear wakes me up. I am afraid to talk to people because I am afraid they'll ask me how I'm doing.
Thankfully, this has only been going on for a few days (the 67 voicemails are an ongoing thing). Also, I am very aware of what's going on.
I am afraid of growing up. I am afraid I am going to mess it all up. I am afraid I am going to fail the test of being a grown up. I am afraid I already have. I am afraid I'm not cut out for adulthood. I am transitioning to a new level of independence and that really scares me. I keep telling myself that now I have to solve all of my problems, and I can't ask for help anymore because I'm supposed to be a grown up.
I know these things are not true, I have balancing thoughts for all of them. Being a grown up can mean whatever I want it to mean. I can still love glitter and unicorns and dance breaks. But then I start finding loopholes. Being a grown up can mean whatever I want it to mean, but I still need to work on my credit score, I still have to pay my bills, I have to check my email regularly, I have to answer the phone when it's a number I don't recognize. I'm telling myself that I am being whiney and petty, but this is the deal right now. And I know I am not the only one going through this.
Messing up now has real consequences. And messing up before had real consequences.. I mean, I almost died... but somehow I am telling myself that these consequences will be worse. I'll be homeless, my family will disown me because my credit score is bad. I'll get depressed and be a terrible teacher and then I'll get fired from my job. I'll wake up one day and realize I don't have any friends because I was so busy running around trying to sweep my stairs and dust all the fans in my house. Also, life is meaningless and nothing matters.
As long as I don't put drugs in my body or kill myself, I cannot possibly fail. I know that failure is a part of life, and I know I will face set backs and shitty situations. But when I live everyday waiting for those things to come, I start convincing myself that they have already happened. And I can keep living that way if I want to. Constantly grumpy because everything is terrible, just waiting for someone to mess up so that I can pass on my fear to them. Or I can leave it all here, and conquer my to-do list one thing at a time.
The universe always conspires for my highest good (my sponsor told me this recently and I am very, very into it). As long as I am doing the footwork, whatever falls into place is what is supposed to fall into place. I am grateful today. As much as I am fearful, I am equally grateful. And whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. Also, the meaning of my life is to give my life meaning.
I have a feeling this grown up transition thing is going to give me a lot of good blog post material, so that's a plus. Stay tuned.