I made a comic strip maybe a year ago about how I couldn't wait to get engaged, and we just needed to wait enough time so that people wouldn't think we were completely out of our minds. So far, it appears that no one thinks we are out of our minds. Out of our minds in love, perhaps. What a wonderful feeling. I never imagined I would get married. I never really imagined myself past the age of 21. Or 15. It changed as I got older and the suicide attempts got more serious, but were still unsuccessful. I planned my funeral. I had a small notebook with "in case I die" written on the front. It had all of my last wishes. Including the flowers I wanted placed at my funeral, the songs that were going to be played (songs that I thought for sure wold make people cry, just in case they weren't all that sad that I was gone), and how I wanted to be buried (in a fungal suit, duh).
When I decided not to kill myself, I started planning my wedding. When I met Jonny, I threw away those plans and started planning our wedding. I started day dreaming about our life together, instead of my dream life with an imaginary man. This is better than a dream life, because it acknowledges the hard stuff, too. It makes that stuff just as beautiful. It adds dimension to our lives. It keeps us honest, it keeps us working.
It's easy to be cynical about marriage. It's easy to see marriage as a hoax. Just as poisonous for young girls as Valentine's Day. I want to say that I am immune to all of that, but in the last 36 hours I think I've said, "I'm going to be princess" at least 10 times. Maybe more, if I'm being honest. I'm going to give myself permission to play and giggle and look like a princess.
We are so excited for our wedding. We can't wait to have everyone we love surrounding us and supporting our love and our commitment to each other. I am very much looking forward to our dance party. And I'm going to look like a princess. And we're all going to eat a lot of pizza. And that is wonderful, and it's okay to be absolutely thrilled about that day. What we're most excited about is the connection that we can't see, but can feel. Our engagement is hot off the press, and I'm sure I'll write more about it as it becomes another normal part of our lives. This engagement has given me something I can touch, and look at, and show people.
A dear friend and I were at a group meditation quite some time ago. She was sitting on the opposite side of the room. There were about 15 people between us. And while we meditated I felt our friendship get closer in a way I can't explain. I felt totally connected to her for that hour. Perhaps this is something I put in my own head, but it was still very real. After meditation, we talked about the closeness we felt while we were meditating, and we have been much closer ever since.
That spiritual connection of being on the same wave length as someone I love is what I have felt for Jonny with such intensity I want to reach out and touch it. Being engaged has given me something physical that I can wear on my hand and show other people so that they can see what I have felt in my heart since the day I met a shy Canadian with a mop of tangled, black hair and a look in his eyes I recognized but had never seen before.