This week was really interesting and I want to write about it in a way that makes sense, so I'll see if I can do that. The week began and I was feeling anxious because in the back of my mind I was remembering that I needed to turn in my application to student teach, which is due next week. For some reason, when I face deadlines like that, I always just tell myself that I'll wait until my second anxiety attack to do anything about it or ask for help.
I needed three recommendations, and in my head I was telling myself, "all of your professors think you suck, none of them will give you a recommendation." That is not remotely true and when I talk about it, I know it's not true but there is still this little piece in my head that really believes it.
Tuesday came and I was distracted from my student teaching application by the fact that it was the two year anniversary of the day my dear friend, Trevor, took his own life. That really got me down and I told myself, "you're really sad, so let's be really sad tonight, that's okay." Sometimes I am afraid to be sad because I'm afraid it means I'm getting depressed again. So on Tuesday, I cried a lot, and I felt better. I cried because suicide is a thing. I cried because I felt guilty for what I would have put my family through if I had taken my own life. I cried because there is no way I can help everyone who is hurting and that totally sucks.
Sadness turned into anger on Wednesday when I remembered that people get really sad, or put themselves in a lot of danger, or hurt themselves, and the people who love them don't talk about it. Sometimes I sense this attitude of like, "no, really, we're fine, we're not going to talk about these problems because they will just sort themselves out." That really bothers me, but there is nothing I can do about that type of attitude. I have to let people make their own way through the weirdness. If I come in shouting about all this stuff that I think is messed up, the only thing that will happen is resentment because people wont see it if they aren't ready. That can be a really hard thing to let go of.
By Thursday I was like, "Alright, sim. No more tricks. time to get that student-teaching application turned in." Thankfully I had already asked one professor for a recommendation, and she said yes in way that was like, "I'm saying yes because I actually think you'll be a good teacher" so that made me feel good and primed me for asking the other two professors. Thursday was an awesome day. There was one professor who I wanted to ask to give me a recommendation, and we wound up having a wonderful conversation that totally turned my week around and gave me a burst of inspiration and hope for my future that I really needed.
I am so grateful for the school I go to and the major I chose. I get so much support from my community at school, I need to remember that when fear of rejection seeps into my mind.
This morning I woke up to an email asking me to speak (again!) at the out-patient program I went to. That gave me the reminder that I needed that even though things are shitty and there are people who are really sad, there are also people who have dedicated their lives to helping those people. I think that's such an admirable job. They really put their hearts on the line and spend countless hours committed to helping people get back on their feet so that they can live lives worth living. I am so grateful for the time I spent there. The idea that my story can help other people blows my mind. Everything that I went through and the depression that I still struggle with totally suck and sometimes it all really makes me angry because sometimes I look back at my life and I feel like I'm looking back at a path of destruction. However, It's also a path that tells a really authentic story of failure and falling and darkness and horror and strength and resilience and hope. I'm not the only one with this story. And I am so willing and happy to live it fully because it helps me connect with people. Until I entered recovery, I thought my story was what kept me disconnected from people and I certainly never thought anyone would want to hear it. I'm just so grateful.
So, I think this week was a really good clip of what my life is like these days. Anxiety, sadness, fear, anger, and the attempt to overcome of old, unproductive habits (procrastination, avoidance) so that I can get to hope, peace, and calm, staying in gratitude through all of it.
I also have to give a shout out to the J-man because he has been right by my side as I live-text my anxious days to him. He gives me so much love and acceptance and he gives me the space to dive into my feelings, whatever they may be. I couldn't ask for a better partner.