grown up stuff

I just googled, "how to be a grown up" and all that came up was a TV show. After some scrolling I came across a Huffington Post article with tips like, "drive safely at all times," and "raise your voice only in celebration." There's a book on Amazon with 10 secret skills required for being a grown up. I'm feeling more anxiety now than I was before my Google search. Usually I do not have anxiety about how to act or how to be a human because I am proud of who I am and where my life is. However, lately I feel like I'm a little kid pretending to be a grown up and trying really hard to fit in with all the other grown ups of the world.

I am generally really good about knowing that there is no one way to do life, and everyone is a human just trying to figure it out. But right now that attitude is not clicking with me. I feel like I am trying really hard to trick everyone into believing that I am ready to be a grown up but on the inside I'm five-years-old and I just want to get in bed and have someone make all my appointments for me. I feel the way I looked when I was a toddler playing dress-up with my mom's grown up clothes.

Maybe I'm feeling self-conscious. Like someone is going to shine a flashlight on me and report me for being a little kid trying to fit into adulthood. I feel like a fraud. I'm worried that I don't know everything I need to know in order to be a functioning grown up. Is it okay that I don't use plates when I eat cake and I just eat it straight from the pan with a fork? How many times a week is it okay eat pizza for breakfast? I have dandruff and I don't know what anti-dandruff shampoo I'm supposed to use! I'm making myself laugh right now but seriously, I'm freaking out.

I know that I'll learn as I go and more will be revealed. But I just can't get to that attitude for whatever reason and it is really distracting me. A few weeks ago I was wondering when my next break from responsibilities will be and I realized I will never, for the rest of my life, have a break from responsibilities.

I'm stuck right now because I am super young and immature and naive and I'm still a kid in the eyes of many. But on the other hand, I am getting ready to begin a career and a life with my partner and I'm thinking about how I want my future to look so that I can make some decisions in that direction.

I hear two messages when I hear people talk about this decade of life: 1. "Oh, your twenties are so carefree and wonderful – enjoy them!" 2. "Every decision you make right now is going to affect you for the rest of your life, so be smart."

I just spent 4 minutes making sure I knew the difference between affect and effect and I learned that I may never understand. Watch out people, I could be your kid's English teacher one day.

Also my hands are making the keys of my computer sticky because I'm eating cheerios out of the box. And I'm only eating cheerios because I already ate all my skittles.

Plus side: I'm really happy I'm alive, and when I think about adulthood it doesn't make me want to kill myself.